How to Fall Head Over Heels for Your Partner Again

If the heady days of new romance seem like a distant memory for you and your partner, it’s time to rekindle the love and connection you once felt for each other. It all comes down to chemistry, reconnecting and shaking things up a little. The good news is that you don’t have to stray far from home to do it, as these experts reveal!

Making the romance last. A lifetime commitment doesn’t have to mean a life sentence devoid of excitement or romance. A study in the Review of General Psychology found that passion and romance do not have to fizzle out in long-term relationships. In fact, the intensity, engagement and chemistry of romantic love can last a lifetime and lead not only to greater marital satisfaction, but also to a greater sense of well-being and better mental health for each partner.

Try this: Position a painting, memento or personalized artwork somewhere in the bedroom to remind you and your partner to make your relationship a priority. The framed heart seen here is a subtle but meaningful reminder that fits in beautifully with the old books on the mantelpiece.


No compromise. Is it really possible to fall madly in love with your partner again? The study’s researchers say many couples mistakenly believe that a friendship-type love with little to no passion or excitement is inevitable once the honeymoon period ends and a comfortable familiarity takes the place of adoration. But researcher Bianca Acevedo says this may be an unnecessary outcome.

“Couples should strive for love with all the trimmings,” Acevedo says. “And couples who’ve been together a long time and wish to get back their romantic edge should know it is an attainable goal that, like most good things in life, requires energy and devotion.”

Try this: Do one nice thing for your partner before you leave home every weekday, whether it’s delivering a cup of tea in bed, having the coffee brewed by the time he or she gets out of the shower, or planting a love note in a handbag or pocket.


A question of chemistry. If we’re willing to put in that energy and devotion, just how do we go about falling head over heels for our partners again? Bringing back the heady days of early romance may come down to brain chemistry, scientists theorize, so encouraging your brain to produce the same chemicals it naturally produced when you first fell for your partner can lead to similar feelings of love and connection.

Tip: A hug that lingers a little longer than usual can be enough to get that oxytocin flowing.

Try this: An uncluttered bedroom in soothing hues will set the mood for greater connection. Treat your bedroom with reverence by changing the sheets often (and ironing them if you have time!), giving them some love with a little linen spray and generally putting effort into making your bedroom a lovely place in which you both like spending time.

Improve Your Love Life With a Romance-Ready Bedroom


The magic of touch. Oxytocin is abundant in the bodies of both partners in a happy relationship and fosters feelings of trust, connection and attachment, according to biological anthropologist Helen Fisher. The good news is that it’s possible to stimulate oxytocin production through touch — holding hands, sleeping in each other’s arms, massaging, making love. “Good sex really does build intimacy,” Fisher says.

Try this: Bedroom action has the added benefit of increasing testosterone levels in both partners, and this boosts sex drive. The more sex you have with your partner, in other words, the more you want. If you don’t have lights with dimmer switches in your bedroom, it’s time to do something about it. No lock on the door? Get to it.



A shared adventure. Dopamine is another chemical that can set your heart aflutter. Its release happens naturally in the brains of those newly in love, setting off an intense rush of pleasure and desire. Fisher says a similar release of dopamine can be triggered when a couple does something new together, whether it’s trying something different between the sheets or going on a roller coaster ride together for the first time.

Try this: Sharing novel experiences can make you giddy with desire, but don’t think you have to turn your life upside down to keep finding new things to do together. Relationship psychologist John Aiken says it’s simply a matter of shaking up the usual routine. Instead of always going to the same restaurant on a night out, for example, try one you’ve never been to before, or go to a different café or movie theater. In fact, you don’t even need to leave home. Why not have a romantic picnic in the backyard one Saturday night or a glass of champagne by candlelight together while dinner’s in the oven?


Rebuilding connection. Engaging in plenty of nonsexual touch, such as massages, cuddles and kisses, can be an effective way of rebuilding connection and intimacy, as can doing small things throughout the day to make your partner feel special — it is often the little things that have the biggest impact. “It might be sending a text, making a change to your day so you can see them for lunch, or when you come home you don’t turn on the TV until you’ve talked for half an hour,” Aiken says.


Top priority. It’s easy for daily routines, responsibilities, career and family to push a relationship into the background. When the focus is on what’s not right rather than on what makes you connect and feel good about each other, bickering can result. “The couple has to decide to put their relationship first, or it becomes an afterthought and the passion dies away,” Aiken says.

Try this: How suitable is your bathroom for intimacy? If you’re planning a renovation, why not factor in a feature or two that makes couple time easier? This outdoor bath, for example, is big enough for two, and its surroundings provide the privacy a couple needs to reconnect. Such a scene might not be possible at your house, but a double shower or big bath inside can achieve the same result.


Nobody’s perfect. Just because you’re a neatnik doesn’t mean your partner is inclined that way. That said, anyone is going to find some of their partner’s habits annoying after living together for a time — but focusing on the negatives is a pattern you should try to break if your goal is to rekindle the love you once felt. Psychologist Julie Malone says it takes practice to accept another’s flaws, but the payoff will be worth it, because you’ll soon be having kinder, more loving thoughts about your partner, just as you did in the early days.

“Accepting your partner’s shortcomings is an invaluable way to move past negativity toward a healthier mind and relationship,” she says.

Shortcomings such as physical or emotional abuse are, of course, never acceptable, Malone warns. “There may be other shortcomings that only you know within yourself are unacceptable according to your life values, but it isn’t things like leaving the toilet seat up!” she says.

Try this: If you’re not naturally organized, consider built-in storage that gives you a place for everything.


Your own person. When couples are too enmeshed, it can be suffocating and lead to burnout. Having your own interests, pursuing a career that’s fulfilling and seeing your friends are crucial if you want to maintain your independence.

“Relying on one person to meet your every need is not a good idea; it is an unreasonable expectation and most often an impossible one,” Malone says. “You are responsible for your own happiness, and it can be achieved through various ways, not just through your partner.”

She advises taking a look at your life as a whole and making small changes to fill any voids — a much more productive way of achieving happiness than blaming your partner for what may be missing.

Tell us: What do you do at home to make your partner feel special? Share your secrets in the Comments.

More:
A Touch of Romance for Your Bedroom Design
14 Things You Need to Start Doing Now for Your Spouse’s Sake

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