10 Ways to Cope With Grief During the Holidays

I’m smack dab in the throes of grief once again this holiday season. On a recent Sunday evening, I lost my big sister quite unexpectedly. Within the past six years, I’ve lost two other siblings plus my mom, and two of those losses happened during the weeks around Christmas. I know I’m not alone. Many people have lost loved ones during this time of year.

There’s never a good time to go through a loss, but Christmas can be especially tough. One thing I will say is that I’ve become more experienced at it. I know I’ll get through this feeling of dull pain in my head and stomach, but each loss leaves me a changed person. The change is not always for the worse, but fighting the nagging, unrelenting grip of grief, even years later, takes a long-term toll. This sounds awful and morbid and not at all jolly during this holiday season, but I’ve learned things that have helped me cope with sudden loss. I want to share them for anyone going through something similar.

For me working on upholstery can be therapeutic. I know it to be true. I know that in a month, I’ll be eager to get into my shop and create up a storm. That helps me know I’ll reemerge, but I sure don’t feel like making anything right now. I feel paralyzed. I can’t concentrate or focus on anything beyond typing this, sweeping the floor and doing laundry.

In my experience the days and weeks after a loss, the waiting for the service or memorial, can be excruciating. You just want the days to pass, because you think you’ll feel better and you want to keep your mind occupied. But not too occupied. People grieve so differently, and some might prefer to stay busy and keep moving, but I need time and space to just sit and be sad and think. Here are 10 things I’ve found to be helpful to do.


1. Sit down quietly and clean out a closet or a dresser. You can do the inevitable remembering and complete a task at the same time. For some reason it feels good. In general, if you can get yourself off the couch, doing some menial tasks is a start to moving forward.

2. Watch one of your favorite funny movies that provides a mental escape for an hour or two. Of course you can’t do this right away, but the day after learning of your loss, you tend to be waiting for time to pass before a funeral or before the relatives arrive. The hours can drag. An escape into nonsense can be refreshing and helpful.

3. Take lots of long, hot showers and think and cry yourself silly in there.


4. Talk about your loved one to somebody. Now this is one of the hardest things to do, because nobody really wants to talk about the person who just died for fear of sparking some emotional outburst. The ironic thing is that it feels really good to talk about that person. You want to say their name, share memorable times and laugh about the things you two laughed about. It’s really important to find someone who wants to help, and is strong enough to let you express all of your feelings that well up.

5. If you feel like you need to, talk to your passed loved one. Now you may think I’m out of my ever-loving mind, but I’m going to tell you anyway, because I’m so raw right now. After my mom died, I was so crushed that I felt like I couldn’t go on without her love, encouragement and advice on the things that mattered.


I went for daily walks wearing sunglasses, and when nobody was around, I just talked to her like she was right there. Then I got quiet and imagined what her responses would be to all of my worries. Having been so close to her, I pretty much knew what she would have said if she were there. That was unbelievably therapeutic for me and lasted about two to three weeks.

6. Unless you’re really OK, you might not want to go out and about by yourself for a while. Some may disagree on this, but I have been shopping alone and run into someone who didn’t know of my loss and casually asked how I’ve been. I just fell apart right in the middle of J.Crew. Don’t get me wrong. I don’t think it’s so bad to fall apart, but it can make others uncomfortable.


7. Grab your favorite picture of your loved one and put it next to your bed or someplace else where you can look at that person’s face often.

8. Feel free to write off this holiday season. Some experts say to go ahead and celebrate it, but I think it’s OK to skip a year if you feel like it. Do what you can handle. If you need a day just to be alone, that’s OK. But it’s nice to have people check on you every now and then.

9. Keep something memorable close by. After my mom died, we had to get all of her belongings out of the place where she was living. I grabbed her favorite skirt and top and put them in a plastic bag so I could remember her perfume smell when I needed it. There were many days when I opened up that bag and smelled the perfume, cried a little, closed it back up and went on. I don’t need to do that anymore, but at the time I really felt like I needed to be near her. Even if that sounds a little kooky, it worked. And that’s what’s important; you have to do what works for you. You have to be allowed to get strong again, but at your own pace.


10. Know that guilt seems to find its way right into your head after you lose someone. Either you didn’t spend enough time with the person, you didn’t say how much you loved him or her, or you feel like you could have done something that would have prevented the death.

The guilt I’ve felt over the years has been baseless. However, every now and then I get pulled in and replay those last conversations and visits, trying to figure out if I could have done something differently. I’ve come to understand that this is a wasteful by-product of grief. Everyone seems to go through it, but it never does any good — except for one thing. The guilt I’ve felt after each loss of my beloved family members has made me unafraid to express how much I appreciate friends and family.

It makes some people feel uncomfortable to hear how much you love them. I tell them anyway, because I don’t ever want to lose anyone I love without their knowing how important they are to me. This is one of the positive changes that loss has brought about in my life.


Generally, your friends and acquaintances don’t want you to be sad, so they don’t mention your loss when they see you a few months later. That’s unnatural. It’s difficult for people to know what to say, but if you’re a friend of someone who’s grieving, just feel free to say, “Hey, how are you doing?” And then just listen. It means so much that people care and are brave enough to get over their fear and reach out.

If you are experiencing loss, take it from an experienced griever — it does get better. But things are never the same as before. You’re now part of a group of people who can hold out a kind, compassionate, understanding hand to others when they are stricken with grief after the shock of a loss.

The loss and grief can make you bitter, make you pretend you’re OK or can bring about a positive transformation that you never imagined.

More: 10 Ways to Honor and Remember a Departed Loved One at Home

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