The Dumbest Decorating Decisions I’ve Ever Made

Remember those old commercials in which the actor said, “I’m not a doctor, but I play one on TV”? I’m not an interior designer, but I play one on the Internet.

Well, that’s not really true. I never pretend to be an interior designer. But I’ve written about the subject for a long time, and along the way I’ve learned just enough to be dangerous.

But not enough to avoid making some whopping mistakes. So I thought I’d take this opportunity to clear the air and fess up to some of the misguided design decisions I’ve made over the years. My hope is that you will learn from my mistakes. Or just have a good laugh at my expense.

Note: Photos are for illustration purposes only, and do not portray my actual idiocy.

1. Buying the wrong dining table, Part 1. I learned the hard way that you never pair a table with four legs with a corner banquette. You need a pedestal base. Otherwise people can’t slide their legs in and out from under the table.

I once bought a beautiful antique Swedish table and wasn’t about to get rid of it. So for years I had to slide the table in and out so people could seat themselves. And once they were seated, they were trapped. You need to use the restroom during dinner? Tough.

2. Buying the wrong dining table, Part 2. When it came time to replace the $50 Ikea dining table in my new apartment, I went straight for a pedestal table this time: a voluptuous affair with a round wood top and a narrow hourglass base that was just the right size for my little dining area.

The only problem is, the room is carpeted. So that little pedestal base doesn’t sit flat on the floor. It prefers to rock, like a baby’s bassinet. Which is not a good thing for a dining table. If you apply any pressure to it — say, cutting a piece of meat — the whole thing threatens to tip over and take dinner with it.


3. Buying custom curtains. I once wrote about a house that had wonderful canvas curtains (like the ones shown here) in the living room. I thought I’d duplicate the look in my bedroom, so I hired a seamstress to make four sets of rod-pocket curtains. She showed me a bunch of canvas samples and had me pick which one I wanted. I chose a nice, thick cotton, figuring it would block light better. The curtains turned out to be so heavy, it was a chore sliding the panels back and forth, and the fabric was too stiff to stack at the sides. So I left them closed most of the time — even though my bedroom had a beautiful view. And did I mention how expensive they were?

4. Ordering bar stools without sitting on them first. Ouch. I did not know they could make seats that hard and still market them as chairs. Plus, the stools were so tall, only individuals of Amazonian proportions could climb onto them. (Fortunately, I come from Amazonian stock. Unfortunately, most of my friends don’t.)

5. Putting my faith in foam. When I was furnishing my first apartment, I lusted after a solid-foam sofa that folded out to form a bed. It was cute and contemporary and moderately priced, so I bought one, along with two matching chairs. Problem was, because there was no frame holding the foam in place, the front edge would compress under anyone’s weight. So over the course of a conversation, I and my companion would sink lower and lower, until we both ended up on the floor.


6. Thinking I could keep a really expensive plant alive. As my best friend always reminds me, the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and thinking the outcome will be different. So insanity is the only explanation I can think of to explain my decision to buy a towering ficus tree for my two-story dining room. I had purchased a number of ficus trees in the past, and none of them had survived. So, obviously, the only sensible thing was to buy a really big, expensive one, right?

The day that tree moved in, it started to lose its leaves, and short of using Super Glue, nothing I did kept them in place. Every fallen leaf was like a dagger to my heart. I finally sold the house — and the tree. I know at least one of them is still standing.

7. Dipping shingles. When I remodeled my house years ago, I decided to dress up the place with shingles. I liked the look of stained shingles, and knew they lasted longer if both sides were stained, so I decided to save some money and dip them myself. Outside. In February.

For several weekends I braved the cold and wind as I dipped thousands of shingles into a bucket of stain, then spread them out to dry. Finally, the great day came: the contractor nailed them onto the house. And I didn’t … like … the way … they looked.

I lived with those shingles for a year. And when the misery of dipping them started to fade from my memory, I painted every last one of ’em. Well, every one that I could reach. There’s still a gable end covered with stained shingles that taunts me to this day. And you know what? By itself, it doesn’t look so bad.

OK, readers: It’s your turn. What’s the dumbest decorating decision you have ever made?

More: Fix Those ‘Whoopsies’: 9 Fast Solutions for Decorating Mistakes

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