Get the Family to Pitch In: A Mom’s Advice on Chores
My husband, Paul, and I were high school sweethearts. The first time I was invited to dinner at his house, I was nervous. Paul was the only kid left at home, so it was only the two of us and his parents. Wanting to make a good impression, I planned to help Paul’s mother clean up, thereby proving what a nice girl I was in general and to be dating her son, specifically.
After dinner we pushed back our chairs, but before I could make my gracious offer, everyone began clearing the table. I pitched in, of course, and the other three, I was astonished to see, did too. Paul put away the leftovers; his mother rinsed the plates and washed some things by hand while — wonder of wonders — his father efficiently loaded the dishwasher. In a matter of minutes, the dining room and kitchen were entirely tidy and the dishwasher was running.
I didn’t know it could be like that.
When Paul and I married, it took us quite a few years to advance beyond what I call the adult, working version of toddlers’ parallel play. I’m happy to say, we eventually established a daily rhythm in which we worked together to keep our home in order. I was proud to have reached this developmental stage in our marriage until I noticed, after dinner every night, it was only two of us cleaning up a meal that five of us had eaten, and those numbers didn’t work for me.
The kids helped some. All three were scrupulous about clearing their plates and would load them in the dishwasher if it was empty. They also helped clear the table, but that was pretty much it. Paul and I agreed something needed to change.
The next night after one child had completed her perfunctory plate clearing and loading and done a bit of table clearing, she politely asked to be excused.
“No,” I said.
“Pardon me?”
“No. The job isn’t finished. Wipe down the table, please.”
And that was that.
Sure, first there was a bit of huffing and flouncing from some of the kids along with loud groaning and gesticulating from the others, but it wasn’t long before they reached acceptance and set to work.
I was pleased to see how quickly we were able to get everything cleaned up. After a couple days I was grateful the huffing, flouncing, groaning and gesticulating were gone, but I was less than delighted to see them replaced with foot tapping and nonstop questions.
As soon as a child would complete a task, he or she would ask, “What next?” And I would look around and assign something else until everything was completed.
This may seem like a minor quibble, but Paul and I agreed it was indicative of our children’s lack of personal ownership. Our ultimate goal was to teach all of them skills that would prepare them for life as well as help them in relationships. We wanted their help in cleaning the kitchen, but even more we wanted each one of them to be able take a situation, assess what needed to be done and do it.
I made a list of all the tasks involved in cleaning our kitchen, slipped it in a sheet protector and posted it on the refrigerator:
Clear tablePut away leftoversLoad dishwasherWipe down: table, island, counters, stove, fridge, dishwasherHand wash delicatesSweep floor
Now when a child asks, “What should I do next?” I say, “What’s left?” Eventually I know they won’t even ask, and I think I have every reason to hope that someday all three of them will be able to clean the kitchen without a thought.
Special note: Paul and I did not call a family meeting to announce our big plan to learn to work together or to hash over the results and castigate the children for how things had been. We simply recognized where something wasn’t working and then adapted as necessary.
It wasn’t easy; even our most compliant child was annoyed, but we kept it simple and matter-of-fact, and now we’re working together and getting it done.
Your turn: How have you taught your children to pitch in around the house? Please share your experience in the Comments.
